


Trainwreck.

by soriksorik



Category: The 100, The 100 (TV), The 100 (TV) RPF, The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Guilt, Other, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 21:32:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17588813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soriksorik/pseuds/soriksorik
Summary: Inspired by S2 E2





	Trainwreck.

Her screams ricocheted through the entire Station, or the remnants of it, piercing his eardrums. He could feel them slipping down his entire body, electrifying every nerve in his body with self-loathing and guilt.

Murphy hadn't meant to shoot her, or cause her any form of harm, but he had felt entirely too cornered by the entire situation created by his stupid actions and since he had no idea what to do, upon instinct, he had pulled the trigger.

Murphy hadn't aimed, he hadn't intended to cause her so much damage. He had thoughts that perhaps he had simply grazed her, enough to keep her down but not enough to cause her any harm.

He had been wrong and it would haunt him until his dying breath, he was sure of it.

A tear rolled down his face as another scream broke through his reverie, louder than the others had been.

He dreaded to imagine what she looked like now, laying on a makeshift hospital bed with Dr. Griffin cutting into her mercilessly, trying to undo the damage he had caused.

“It’s your fault,” Bellamy muttered, not missing a beat. John and managed to forget that the other man was sitting a few meters away from him until he made his presence known once again.

He didn't say anything, ignoring the jab. What would he say? Bellamy, for once, was only speaking the truth. It was all his fault, even if the actions that had prompted him to do so had been Bellamy’s. He was seeking revenge on Bellamy and the others for almost killing him out of Clarke’s fruitless accusations. Funny how, for once, he had been innocent and yet, he had nearly died for it. So, although the major part of the blame still fell on Murphy, Blake could still be held accountable for some of it.

Her lips pursed into a thin line, head falling as another left ran down his face, fingers digging into his palms strong enough to cut if he had had nails.

His mother had raised him to be better this, even if she had become the worst of monsters towards the end of her life. His mother had raised him to be good and kind and understanding, and not this cold-hearted animal he had become, and although his attitude was fruit of the circumstances that he had come to face in the stage of his life where his parents’ love and affection was needed most, he still felt like he was betraying the betters memories of his mother. The memories where she wasn’t lying unconscious in the pool of her vomit after drinking herself to the fullest of her body’s tolerance.

He had always wondered where she managed to get herself so much alcohol but he had preferred to never come to find out. He knew that knowing was worse than anything he could imagine if he even dared to imagine it.

His mother had always loved him, or at least, she had until his father had been floated. When that happened she changed completely, becoming someone John barely recognized. She looked like his mother, sure, but she was cold, heartless and just so hopeless. To think that his mother, of all people, could be so hopeless…

John had blamed himself for what had happened to his family, just like his mother had. He had his father’s blood on his hands, even if indirectly. After all, if his immune system hadn’t been so shitty as a child, his father would not have had to break the law and he would not have ended up getting floated and his mother… his mother would not have lost that light in her eyes that he had gotten so used to seeing.

John was nothing but a trainwreck and he dragged everyone around him down, breaking their lives and destroying their future. Don’t believe him? Just look at Raven. Listen to her screaming as she held on for dear life.

That was John’s doing. That was John’s destruction catching onto an innocent soul.

If she died, that was another innocent life on his hands.


End file.
